How I Found “Me”

This year was certainly a year of growth for me. 2016 started off with me hitting rock bottom. Someone who I thought loved me, decided he did not anymore. I tried numbing the pain or finding temporary fixes. It, of course, didn’t work.

A little part of me thought,  maybe God is telling me that I was wrong, and that I might have thought he was perfect, but that was far from the truth. He didn’t love God.

In the beginning of the year, I had decided to put more effort into my relationship with God. This decision was made halfheartedly. I didn’t realize how much I had to give up by doing that, and I was not ready for that.

But God was working extra hard on me. He sent in some of his strongest warriors to keep reminding me that He was there for me, and I was not alone, no matter how much I kept thinking I was.

Then, I decided that I needed to go on a mission. I don’t know why, but I should do it. So I signed up for the one I could afford. This trip was a real leap of faith for me. After having spent a few months fighting really hard against God, I thought, “What the fuck? Let’s do this.” I had no idea what I was going to be doing or even where I was going, but I went on this trip, and God worked his magic.

On this trip, I realized that I had been putting my identity in the men I was dating; I was always someone’s girlfriend. For a long time, I was okay with that, but after getting my heart broken 2 too many times, I thought, “Let’s not do that again.” So 2016 also became my self-discovery year. I really had to learn about myself and who I was.

But then, I started dating someone again. And, man, do old habits die hard. The funny thing was, the whole time God was telling me, “Cynthia, you’re not ready for this.” BUT of course I fought that. This was a battle I’d learn I had to lose in order to really win.

In the midst of having the most stressful semester of my entire life, I had a hard time trying to figure out “me” while also being a “we”. So I made the decision to take a big step back from someone who had been supporting my faith and my journey.

All that was left was me and God. And, guys, that is enough. God is enough and I am enough for him.

I learned that in order for me to feel real safety and security, I need to trust in God. I learned that I don’t need a guy to love me in order to be truly happy because God already loves me. Every thing that I’ve been through, Jesus already went through. God came to the earth in the form of Jesus because he loves us so much that he wanted to experience all of our pain and suffering so that we could be with Him. Only someone who truly loves you would do something like that. Because guys, God is love. And only someone who knows the love of God can truly love you.

So on December 8, when I was given the opportunity, every fiber of my being said, “Get baptized tonight. Tell the world your story.” I got up, and was baptized that night.  It was frightening how compelled I was to declare my faith in my God; I felt like if I didn’t, I would be completely denying Him. For the first time, in a very long time, I cried because I was no longer in pain.

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