5 Things I Forgot I Loved About Myself

Lately, I’ve been really critical of myself. Due to a failed relationship over a year ago, I let myself believe that what the guy thought was “wrong” with me were things that I needed to change about myself. In reality, it was just things he didn’t like about me. I made this realization a few weeks ago, and I didn’t know what to do to change that. I thought, “how do I love myself again?” I started with this list. It’s a list of things about myself that I’ve recently been hating, but really should love because that’s the way God made me.

1. My need to be alone.

Right after the breakup, I never wanted to be alone. Mostly, because being alone made me think of him, and that was really difficult. In reality, I can only handle so much social time with people. It’s only natural. I need time for myself and to be able to reflect on the day, etc.

2. How much time I need with the people I love.

Since I like to be alone, I don’t have to feel like I have to spend all my extra time with others. I have boundaries. I needed to remember where they are. It’s okay to say no when people want to hang out. I decide how much is too much.

3. I have plenty of friends.

This was something that really ate at me for awhile. My ex had told me, “You need more friends.” And I accepted that was true. Honestly, I have so many, it’s hard to keep up with them all. I love to love people. I love the people I choose to spend time with. Because I get so busy, I have to be very selective with my time. I choose who I decide is in my inner circle and how many.

4. I love quality time.

Like I said in my last point, I have limited time. Therefore, the time I spend with someone must have value. I want to build something with them. Grow with them. Learn more about them, so I can care about them. If I want to spend more time with someone, it’s not being clingy, it’s loving them. My time is valuable. I’m not saying that it’s more valuable than anyone else’s; it’s just valuable. Who I choose to spend it with matters. It should matter to them.

5. I am loved.

The people that I have surrounded myself with have mutually chosen to be around me. When someone you love tells you suddenly that they no longer want to be with you, it tears a riff in your understanding of relationships with people. It made me question if people actually want to be my friends or if I’m forcing them to be around me. However, I did not force them to be my friends. They have decided to love me out of their free will.

I have been criticizing myself over and over again for a failed relationship. I spent much of my time blaming myself for it not working out. Just because he did not love these things about me, doesn’t mean these are things that are wrong with me. He just didn’t like them. But that’s not my problem.

Who I am is amazing. I love and care about people in a different way that most people do. I pay attention to the people that I surround myself with. I love to love on my friends. I love making them feel loved and appreciated. There are so many things about myself that make me great and I should appreciate those things about myself. There’s nothing wrong with who I am. I am great.

Advertisements

How I Found “Me”

This year was certainly a year of growth for me. 2016 started off with me hitting rock bottom. Someone who I thought loved me, decided he did not anymore. I tried numbing the pain or finding temporary fixes. It, of course, didn’t work.

A little part of me thought,  maybe God is telling me that I was wrong, and that I might have thought he was perfect, but that was far from the truth. He didn’t love God.

In the beginning of the year, I had decided to put more effort into my relationship with God. This decision was made halfheartedly. I didn’t realize how much I had to give up by doing that, and I was not ready for that.

But God was working extra hard on me. He sent in some of his strongest warriors to keep reminding me that He was there for me, and I was not alone, no matter how much I kept thinking I was.

Then, I decided that I needed to go on a mission. I don’t know why, but I should do it. So I signed up for the one I could afford. This trip was a real leap of faith for me. After having spent a few months fighting really hard against God, I thought, “What the fuck? Let’s do this.” I had no idea what I was going to be doing or even where I was going, but I went on this trip, and God worked his magic.

On this trip, I realized that I had been putting my identity in the men I was dating; I was always someone’s girlfriend. For a long time, I was okay with that, but after getting my heart broken 2 too many times, I thought, “Let’s not do that again.” So 2016 also became my self-discovery year. I really had to learn about myself and who I was.

But then, I started dating someone again. And, man, do old habits die hard. The funny thing was, the whole time God was telling me, “Cynthia, you’re not ready for this.” BUT of course I fought that. This was a battle I’d learn I had to lose in order to really win.

In the midst of having the most stressful semester of my entire life, I had a hard time trying to figure out “me” while also being a “we”. So I made the decision to take a big step back from someone who had been supporting my faith and my journey.

All that was left was me and God. And, guys, that is enough. God is enough and I am enough for him.

I learned that in order for me to feel real safety and security, I need to trust in God. I learned that I don’t need a guy to love me in order to be truly happy because God already loves me. Every thing that I’ve been through, Jesus already went through. God came to the earth in the form of Jesus because he loves us so much that he wanted to experience all of our pain and suffering so that we could be with Him. Only someone who truly loves you would do something like that. Because guys, God is love. And only someone who knows the love of God can truly love you.

So on December 8, when I was given the opportunity, every fiber of my being said, “Get baptized tonight. Tell the world your story.” I got up, and was baptized that night.  It was frightening how compelled I was to declare my faith in my God; I felt like if I didn’t, I would be completely denying Him. For the first time, in a very long time, I cried because I was no longer in pain.